Monday, 1 March 2010

Keep Calm and Carry On...on Groundhog Day

Before I start, I will issue the obligatory warnings.  This is a post about baby making, has more than it's fair share of self pity and depressive content, will undoubtedly contain information of the 'too much information' genre, and will be even more rambling than normal...incomprehensible even.  If you are not up for a post like this, please click away now.  You have been warned.

Still here?  Ok, well, I'm sure you've guessed that I'm not pregnant, again.  But there is so much more to tell, because I am certain that I was, even though I didn't get a positive pregnancy test.  Here's why. From 10 to 13 days after the IUI I had the symptoms...metallic taste in my mouth, needing to wee all the time, tingling and expanding breasts (when I was expecting Star I went up 2 cup sizes in the first 8 weeks), a slight rounding of my lower abdomen and a feeling of heaviness (I have a BMI of 19, so if there is anything going on there is nowhere to hide, and again I had the same with Star at about 5 weeks) and last but not least I had no premenstrual breakout.  I told myself not to get too carried away after what happened last time, and not to test until 18 days post IUI (when I tested for Star) as anything could happen.  And of course, I was right to think that because 14d.p.iui all the symptoms I had been experiencing stopped, and my body returned to 'normal' until yesterday when we started back at day 1.  And more confirmation that I was pregnant, as it's not 'normal', much more loss than usual, and tiny clots (sorry, tmi).

So there we have it.  And I am once again devastated.  I can't even call it a miscarriage as I never had a positive test.  So I'm sitting here feeling in limbo, not knowing what to think or how to feel, other than utterly dejected and in despair.  I have so many questions, but nobody to ask.  If, at 40, you have two 'miscarriages' in three attempts does this mean that your eggs are shot to pieces and there is no point going on?  Does the fact that they were both very early 'miscarriages' have any significance?  Is it that my eggs are fine, but there is something preventing my body from doing this pregnancy thing again ?  Both times I have been feeling really under the weather with a nasty, and prolonged cold (this time I'm 2 weeks in and no sign of recovery) and I'm normally really healthy and don't get ill.  Is there a connection ?  Is my body so under par that it cannot cope with a pregnancy ?

Then you move onto the wider issues.  Maybe I need to accept that I'm too old, and that I cannot have another.  Maybe it's fate.  Maybe I'm supposed to put all my energy into raising one fantastically special boy.  It's the not knowing that is the problem.  If only I could see into the future and know if it's worth continuing the fight, because that's what it feels like, a fight against my tired, weary, ageing body.  It's not like it's a straightforward process to continue.  It takes over your life, and no matter how hard you try you just can't focus on anything else.  It's expensive, and we could spend that money on something much more pleasurable. It's inconvenient, having to plan your life around cycle days, and trips to clinics.  And of course, it's bloody painful.  I would willing go through all of this for as long as it takes if I knew that at the end of it I would have a sibling for Star.  He deserves it.  But the thought of continuing only to fail...

I feel that everywhere I turn there is a reminder, pregnant women everywhere, on the tv, on twitter, in real life.  My one local 'mummy' friend, or perhaps more an acquaintance is expecting her second baby in July.  She is in her late 30's and exactly the same number of weeks that I would have been had I not miscarried the first time.  I have 'texted' and 'facebooked' my hearty congratulations but I don't want to see her.  It's not a problem yet as we only saw each other about once every three or four months but at the very least I will have to go and visit after she has the baby.  The issue I have is that I know I'm starting to feel bitter and I don't like myself for that.  I look at all these pregnant women and feel that it's so unfair because I do everything 'right'.  I don't drink alcohol, I don't have caffeine, I eat organic wholefoods, I take supplements, I drink/cook/bathe in filtered water, I'm not why me?

So here we are, day 2, and what to do ?  Tomorrow I need to start the drugs, but it all seems so pointless at the moment.  I could have a break, but tick tock tick tock...that's not going to help my chances.  So, I guess I'll just carry on regardless, hoping that all I need is one good egg.  In the meantime, I'll try and hold it all together, try not to think about it all, try not to cry more than a couple of times a day, and try to 'keep calm and carry on'.