My Blogging Break

I know that it's not generally recommended that you do a blog post about why you haven't 
been posting but I do feel the need to explain...


First of all, those of you that take the time to comment here (and thank you...it is something that means SO much to me), will be aware of the issues I have been having with my comments system.  You leave a comment, and it never appears on the blog.  I know how frustrating this must be and, believe me, it's doubly so for me.  The thing is, I do get to see them all, and I reply to them all, it's just that at the moment you can't see it.  This is caused by google reader adding something to the link when you click through to my post which my comments system recognises as a separate page from those that go directly to my blog.  I know I could change to a different system but I like this one.  I've looked at the alternatives and I like the way this looks and it does exactly what I want it to do...when it works.  There is a fix on the way which will resolve this both going forward and retrospectively so I'm going to try and be patient.  In the meantime, however, it has made me reluctant to post as I don't want my readers to lose heart and not bother to comment, thinking that it will be lost for ever.  So, I just wanted to say please bear with me, it will be resolved and all your comments and my replies will appear.


You will also have noticed that I have been rather neglecting my commenting duties on your blogs too.  And for those on Twitter you may have noticed that my tweeting is much less frequent.  There are a few reasons for this that I will now explain.


Following recent developments on the baby making front that you have all read about I have been really struggling, in quite a dark place.  I don't want to dwell on this as I'm now feeling much better but suffice to say that I wasn't in the mood to interact, in any way.  Also, whenever I have dipped my toe back in the water it seems that so many blogs and tweets are about pregnancy or new babies.  Now please don't misunderstand, I am very happy for all these lovely ladies and certainly don't hold any ill feeling toward them, but at the moment I just don't want to hear about it.  At all.  It just brings to the front of my mind all my current heartache which I am trying to move on from, and trying to be positive.


Last but not least I have been doing most of my blog reading on my IPodTouch in bed in the evenings.  This works well, as I like to read before I go to sleep but more often than not I don't seem to be able to comment. I type it in but don't seem to be able to submit it.  In future I will have to make a mental note of posts I want to comment on and do it the next day, it just seems like such hard work :s


So there we have it.  If you're feeling neglected or thought I had disappeared I hope this has put your mind at rest.  I have lots of posts in my head, and feel I have lots of catching up to do so don't be surprised if I'm making up for lost time in the over the next week ;-)

My Blogging Break

Keep Calm and Carry On...on Groundhog Day

Before I start, I will issue the obligatory warnings.  This is a post about baby making, has more than it's fair share of self pity and depressive content, will undoubtedly contain information of the 'too much information' genre, and will be even more rambling than normal...incomprehensible even.  If you are not up for a post like this, please click away now.  You have been warned.


Still here?  Ok, well, I'm sure you've guessed that I'm not pregnant, again.  But there is so much more to tell, because I am certain that I was, even though I didn't get a positive pregnancy test.  Here's why. From 10 to 13 days after the IUI I had the symptoms...metallic taste in my mouth, needing to wee all the time, tingling and expanding breasts (when I was expecting Star I went up 2 cup sizes in the first 8 weeks), a slight rounding of my lower abdomen and a feeling of heaviness (I have a BMI of 19, so if there is anything going on there is nowhere to hide, and again I had the same with Star at about 5 weeks) and last but not least I had no premenstrual breakout.  I told myself not to get too carried away after what happened last time, and not to test until 18 days post IUI (when I tested for Star) as anything could happen.  And of course, I was right to think that because 14d.p.iui all the symptoms I had been experiencing stopped, and my body returned to 'normal' until yesterday when we started back at day 1.  And more confirmation that I was pregnant, as it's not 'normal', much more loss than usual, and tiny clots (sorry, tmi).


So there we have it.  And I am once again devastated.  I can't even call it a miscarriage as I never had a positive test.  So I'm sitting here feeling in limbo, not knowing what to think or how to feel, other than utterly dejected and in despair.  I have so many questions, but nobody to ask.  If, at 40, you have two 'miscarriages' in three attempts does this mean that your eggs are shot to pieces and there is no point going on?  Does the fact that they were both very early 'miscarriages' have any significance?  Is it that my eggs are fine, but there is something preventing my body from doing this pregnancy thing again ?  Both times I have been feeling really under the weather with a nasty, and prolonged cold (this time I'm 2 weeks in and no sign of recovery) and I'm normally really healthy and don't get ill.  Is there a connection ?  Is my body so under par that it cannot cope with a pregnancy ?


Then you move onto the wider issues.  Maybe I need to accept that I'm too old, and that I cannot have another.  Maybe it's fate.  Maybe I'm supposed to put all my energy into raising one fantastically special boy.  It's the not knowing that is the problem.  If only I could see into the future and know if it's worth continuing the fight, because that's what it feels like, a fight against my tired, weary, ageing body.  It's not like it's a straightforward process to continue.  It takes over your life, and no matter how hard you try you just can't focus on anything else.  It's expensive, and we could spend that money on something much more pleasurable. It's inconvenient, having to plan your life around cycle days, and trips to clinics.  And of course, it's bloody painful.  I would willing go through all of this for as long as it takes if I knew that at the end of it I would have a sibling for Star.  He deserves it.  But the thought of continuing only to fail...


I feel that everywhere I turn there is a reminder, pregnant women everywhere, on the tv, on twitter, in real life.  My one local 'mummy' friend, or perhaps more an acquaintance is expecting her second baby in July.  She is in her late 30's and exactly the same number of weeks that I would have been had I not miscarried the first time.  I have 'texted' and 'facebooked' my hearty congratulations but I don't want to see her.  It's not a problem yet as we only saw each other about once every three or four months but at the very least I will have to go and visit after she has the baby.  The issue I have is that I know I'm starting to feel bitter and I don't like myself for that.  I look at all these pregnant women and feel that it's so unfair because I do everything 'right'.  I don't drink alcohol, I don't have caffeine, I eat organic wholefoods, I take supplements, I drink/cook/bathe in filtered water, I'm not overweight...so why me?

So here we are, day 2, and what to do ?  Tomorrow I need to start the drugs, but it all seems so pointless at the moment.  I could have a break, but tick tock tick tock...that's not going to help my chances.  So, I guess I'll just carry on regardless, hoping that all I need is one good egg.  In the meantime, I'll try and hold it all together, try not to think about it all, try not to cry more than a couple of times a day, and try to 'keep calm and carry on'.

Keep Calm and Carry On...on Groundhog Day

I am not pregnant...

I can't quite believe that I am posting about this.  After laying awake thinking about it last night the only way I could get back to sleep was to think through what my blog post would say.  So I've taken that as a sign that I need to do this for my sanity and hope that it will be somehow cathartic.

To start making sense of the title I should explain that I was pregnant.  Not very, only six weeks, but I definitely was pregnant.  And then, after a visit to A&E and two nights in hospital, I wasn't.  In fact I had only been kind of pregnant for the preceding two weeks.  During my hospital stay I was scanned and a 'pregnancy sac' and 'yolk sac' was found which is what you would to expect to see at four weeks, not six.  I should have had a little bean, but I didn't.

Now I know that as a miscarriage goes, to have it happen so early is relatively non traumatic.  But I am finding it quite difficult, and this has been surprising to me as I'm normally a pretty tough, unemotional, resilient soul.  On analysis, which I am too good at, there are reasons for this that I will now endeavour to explain.

If you didn't already know I am 40 and I have one perfect son, my little Star who is 13 months old.  Star did not come to us easily.  We started trying to conceive when I was 36, immediately following our wedding (I know, old fashioned !) but when nothing was happening we had tests only to be told we were both perfectly formed in the reproductive department.  By the time I was 38, still nothing, so we started down the 'assisted conception' route.  Thankfully we were given three goes at IUI and on our last attempt...bingo!  I stressed badly until the private eight week scan showed a heartbeat, I stressed badly until we were past the twelve week high risk period, I stressed badly until the downs syndrome scan and blood test the results of which almost destroyed me (our risk was 1:160) but  I couldn't take the chance of an amnio induced miscarriage, so I stressed some more until the anomoly scan told us all was well.

Somehow I made it to the end and Star was born by elective c section which was fantastic, as was he.  I always knew however that I didn't want Star to be an only child.  As with all parents I'm sure, I have only ever wanted the very best for him.  In my book one of the very best of life's good things is to have a sibling to share your  childhood with.  Someone to play with, someone to talk to, a companion.  Someone to teach you how to get along with people...the most valuable of life's lessons.  I felt so strongly about this that it was a condition of having Star...that we would have another.  Of course, now that he's here I couldn't imagine not having him, but before he was conceived I would have preferred to remain childless than to have an only child.


So, just before Star's first birthday back to the clinic we went.  Thankfully after some tests they agreed that I was still reproductively young enough to have another three goes at IUI before moving on to IVF (which I desperately don't want to have to do - far too invasive for a holistic person like me) and bingo once again, it worked.  I was pregnant on our first attempt.  My overwhelming reaction was one of relief.  Thank goodness, a sibling for Star.  Thank goodness, no more IUI treatments,  Thanks goodness, no IVF.  Thank goodness, I'm just 40...not 41, 42, 43, 44...  And as, despite my stressing, my pregnancy with Star had passed, pretty much, without event and he was such a prefect outcome, I relaxed.  I didn't worry.  My body had done all this before and coped, dare I say even did a good job.  So this time I would enjoy my pregnancy and not worry...


I did just this...until I was six weeks.  I did it so well that I met the fate of my pregnancy with disbelief and shock.  I couldn't believe it.  Things like this don't happen to me.  I'm healthy.  I don't drink alcohol...ever.  I don't smoke.  I don't drink coffee.  I eat organic food.  I take supplements....I'm too old.  It's not going to work for us this time.  Poor Star.  I've let him down.  I've failed him.  I've failed him.  I've failed him...


My eyes are welling up just writing this but I can't seem to get it out of my head.  I know it will take time but I haven't got time.  We'll be back to the clinic in January to start it all again, and I must be in a calm, confident, positive frame of mind but I'm finding it so hard....

I am not pregnant...