Goodbye & Hello

As I feel I am finally emerging from the 'mother to a newborn' fog I thought it was time to put pen to paper as it were and bring you up to date with all that has been happening here at geriatric towers.

First the very sad news that my much loved father passed away on 08 Jan 2011, aged just 64.  As many of you will be aware he was diagnosed with Frontal Temporal Dementia early in 2009 and he has now been released from his suffering, as have we, his family.  Unlike any of the more common dementias his was particularly cruel and to watch his rapid deterioration was torturous.  I always feared that there may have been an element of 'locked-in syndrome' to his disease, or that at the very least he may have had an awareness of the situation he found himself in. Knowing that he has now been released from his suffering and is resting in peace has come as something of a relief.  But still, I miss him terribly.

April 2010

On a lighter note, 17 January 2011 saw the safe arrival of my much longed for 2nd son, who shall be known here as Baby Moonbeam.  He was born at 9.07am weighing 8lb 7oz and has been the most chilled out chap ever since.  As his grandad used to say to his brother 'we don't do crying in this house' and both he and his brother took heed. The midwives at the hospital would all comment on how contented he was and I'm pleased to say his impeccable behaviour has continued.  Just need to drop the night feeds and he'll be the perfect baby ;-)   His brother adores him and takes every opportunity to cuddle him, stroke him, hold his hand and always tells him that he loves him when he says goodnight.  I have been truly blessed.

Looking very serious, 7hrs old

I'm sure you can imagine that this last few weeks has felt like quite a watershed in the life of Geriatric Mummy, and as such I have decided it is time to move on.  New leaf, clean sheet, call it what you will but it is time to say goodbye to Geriatric Mummy and hello to The Apprentice Housewife.

I hope you will join me in my lighter, brighter musings on my journey in search of domestic bliss.

Goodbye & Hello

The Trials and Tribulations of Gestational Diabetes - Part 1

As I am becoming an old hand at this gestational diabetes (GD) malarky I thought I would tell you a bit about it.  Part 1 will tell you all about how it effected my pregnancy with Star, and Part 2 will fill you in on how it is this time with some facts and figures and hints and tips I have picked up.


When I was expecting Star I was diagnosed at 28 weeks after glucose was found in a routine pee sample.  The diagnosis is confirmed by taking a Glucose Tolerance Test (GTT) whereby you drink a sugar solution and have a blood test 2 hours later to check your glucose levels.  To say I was in shock was an understatement.  I couldn't understand it.  I was not overweight (I had a BMI of 25 at 39 weeks!), I had no family history of diabetes (the two biggest risk factors), and  I ate a diet Gillian McKeith would be proud of .  I was a fit and healthy person.  This shouldn't happen to me.  I felt like a failure.  My body had let me down when I needed it most.


I was put on the GD care path at the antenatal clinic at the hopsital, and allocated the obs and gynae consultant specialising in GD.  She explained to me that I was one of the unlucky ones but that 'older mothers' are a risk factor in themselves and at 39 I fell into that group.  I was issued with a finger prick blood testing kit ( I am/was needle phobic) and told to test my blood four times a day, first thing in the morning, and 1.5 hours after breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Each test was to be recorded in a diary had a target figure that my blood shouldn't exceed.  I was also given dietary advice which I found most frustrating as I have studied nutrition myself, and already ate an exemplary diet.  There was no junk food, cakes and biscuits that I could cut out.  Thankfully, after a week of finger pricking induced trauma and near breakdown,  my knowledge and existing diet stood me in good stead as I was able to manage the GD with just a few tweeks here and there.


Monthly visits ensued for growth scans, blood tests, to have my diary of test results checked and to see the consultant.  Everything was fine until 36 weeks when a growth scan showed a slightly higher level of amniotic fluid than the norm.  I was then referred to the day assessment unit 3 times a week so that they could check Star's movements to confirm that he wasn't getting distressed.  He wasn't and therefore they were happy to leave him be until I was 39 weeks (by their dates but that's a whole other story- grr) when he was safely delivered by elective c-section.  He had no problems at all, had an agpar of 9 and required no special treatment.


I had a further GTT when Star was 3 months old which, thankfully, confirmed that it had indeed been GD and my blood levels were now within the normal range.  They did warn me however that I was almost certain to get it again should I become pregnant again...to be continued in Part 2

The Trials and Tribulations of Gestational Diabetes - Part 1

The 'Smiling' 17 Weeks Foetus...and other news

OK, so I know I said I'd be back soon, and that was over 3 months ago but hey I'm here now ;-)


First of all, I feel I should explain that the main reason for my absence all these weeks has been due to the fact that this has not been an easy pregnancy.  I felt continually and horribly nauseous and was regularly sick for the first 14 weeks.  At 12 weeks an amniotic band was discovered, which had to be checked again at 17 weeks to ensure the baby wasn't getting tangled in it.  At 17 weeks I was also sent to A&E by my GP due to my extreme shortness of breath.  Thankfully nothing serious was found to be wrong, but the down side of this was that there was no treatment I could be given. Then at 20 weeks I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  This was not a total surprise as I also had this when expecting Star but this time I was diagnosed much earlier, and it was much more severe requiring me to take insulin injections 3 times a day as well as take great care over my diet.  Oh and throughout all this I have been so tired, I think exhausted is a better explanation.  But despite all this I am now almost 27 weeks and the baby at least is doing well.

In fact, he has been doing well throughout.  You may have seen articles in The Sunday Times and Daily Mail a few weeks ago about the 17 week old 'smiling' foetus, the youngest ever recorded.  Well, that 'foetus' is in my tummy...

As you can see, he appears to be quite enjoying life!  It has reignited the debate about the 24 week abortion law, and, smiling or not, I personally don't know how anyone could even consider it at 17 weeks, let alone 24.  Health issues aside I have to wonder how long some people need to know whether having a baby is something they want to do ?


Anyhoo, I will endeavour to post again before another 3 months has elapsed.  I am tempted to ring the changes a little with the content, posting what I want to post about rather than being concerned that I post content relevant to my readers.  So look out for recipes, comment on current affairs, recommendations, and generally anything at all that I find interesting.  Hopefully you will too :-)

The 'Smiling' 17 Weeks Foetus...and other news

I'm Back...Now Where To Start...

After three and a half months of abstaining from all things of a blogging/tweeting nature I am delighted to say I'm back :D Before I launch into a brief synopsis of what's been going on in my world in this time I feel I should begin with a little explanation.


In the early part of this year I felt myself slipping into a darker and darker place.  Having a history of depression I knew that this was not something that I could allow to happen.  I was finding that every time I sat down to write a blog post I was wanting to talk exclusively about how miserable I was feeling, how much I wasn't enjoying motherhood, how desperate I was feeling to escape it all.  I knew that my beloved readers don't read blogs to be depressed and dragged down and I knew I was in grave danger of doing just this and driving them all away.  And anyway, what do I have to be miserable about ?  I'm healthy, I have a glorious son, a wonderful husband, no money worries.  I feared that people reading all my woes would be thinking just this.  What's more, I was also becoming aware that I was using blogs and twitter to withdraw further from the real world as it was a less painful place to inhabit...escapism.  So, I decided to withdraw from my online world totally, go cold turkey, and force myself to re engage with my real life, and in particular with my son.  I'm pleased to say that whilst it was a struggle, and not an instantaneous solution it did work. I now feel strong enough to dip my toe back in... and here I am.


So, what's been going on?  I'll get the bad stuff out of the way first.  My dad has continued to deteriorate rapidly to the point where, in my opinion, he now needs full time care.  He has recently been into a residential home for two weeks respite care, but is now back at home with my mum who struggles on.  His stay in respite did demonstrate one thing, which was that he is now so poorly that he really needs a nursing home as a residential home is not sufficiently staffed to cope with his needs.  He turned 64 in April.


Wonderful husband and I have had a lovely few months.  We went to Marrakech in April for 5 days, we went to Le Manoir aux Quat' Saisons for 2 nights in June to celebrate his 40th birthday, we went to The Waterside Inn for dinner (also for his 40th birthday celebrations) and we've been to the Amalfi Coast in Italy for a week in June.  All without Star, who was holidaying in Devon with my family and having a fabulous time.  I really have been living the high life and it's been wonderful.  Oh, and the sun has been shining ALOT which is almost better that all of it :D


If you were thinking that the news couldn't get any better I've got to tell you that you are mistaken as I've saved the best till last.  Today I am 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant :D  Earlier today we went up to Harley Street for a super duper 12 week scan with the famous, god like Professor Stuart Campbell.  At my ripe old age we walked into the room with a Down's risk of 1:64...scary, but after the prof had measured and monitored just about everything we came out with a risk of 1:1124, sufficiently low that we don't feel the need to risk an amnio.  Oh, and did I mention...IT'S A BOY!  I am SO happy as I desperately wanted another boy as Star has been an absolute angel and my main reason for wanting another baby is for a sibling, and playmate for him.  I think that a same sex sibling is just perfect for this and look forward to many years of cricket, football and rugby in the garden.


Well, apologies for such a long post but there was alot to say.  I will do further posts with more details on all of the above as I know it was a bit of a whistle stop tour but wanted to give you all the headlines.


So until next time...keep smiling :D

I'm Back...Now Where To Start...

My Blogging Break

I know that it's not generally recommended that you do a blog post about why you haven't 
been posting but I do feel the need to explain...


First of all, those of you that take the time to comment here (and thank you...it is something that means SO much to me), will be aware of the issues I have been having with my comments system.  You leave a comment, and it never appears on the blog.  I know how frustrating this must be and, believe me, it's doubly so for me.  The thing is, I do get to see them all, and I reply to them all, it's just that at the moment you can't see it.  This is caused by google reader adding something to the link when you click through to my post which my comments system recognises as a separate page from those that go directly to my blog.  I know I could change to a different system but I like this one.  I've looked at the alternatives and I like the way this looks and it does exactly what I want it to do...when it works.  There is a fix on the way which will resolve this both going forward and retrospectively so I'm going to try and be patient.  In the meantime, however, it has made me reluctant to post as I don't want my readers to lose heart and not bother to comment, thinking that it will be lost for ever.  So, I just wanted to say please bear with me, it will be resolved and all your comments and my replies will appear.


You will also have noticed that I have been rather neglecting my commenting duties on your blogs too.  And for those on Twitter you may have noticed that my tweeting is much less frequent.  There are a few reasons for this that I will now explain.


Following recent developments on the baby making front that you have all read about I have been really struggling, in quite a dark place.  I don't want to dwell on this as I'm now feeling much better but suffice to say that I wasn't in the mood to interact, in any way.  Also, whenever I have dipped my toe back in the water it seems that so many blogs and tweets are about pregnancy or new babies.  Now please don't misunderstand, I am very happy for all these lovely ladies and certainly don't hold any ill feeling toward them, but at the moment I just don't want to hear about it.  At all.  It just brings to the front of my mind all my current heartache which I am trying to move on from, and trying to be positive.


Last but not least I have been doing most of my blog reading on my IPodTouch in bed in the evenings.  This works well, as I like to read before I go to sleep but more often than not I don't seem to be able to comment. I type it in but don't seem to be able to submit it.  In future I will have to make a mental note of posts I want to comment on and do it the next day, it just seems like such hard work :s


So there we have it.  If you're feeling neglected or thought I had disappeared I hope this has put your mind at rest.  I have lots of posts in my head, and feel I have lots of catching up to do so don't be surprised if I'm making up for lost time in the over the next week ;-)

My Blogging Break

Keep Calm and Carry On...on Groundhog Day

Before I start, I will issue the obligatory warnings.  This is a post about baby making, has more than it's fair share of self pity and depressive content, will undoubtedly contain information of the 'too much information' genre, and will be even more rambling than normal...incomprehensible even.  If you are not up for a post like this, please click away now.  You have been warned.


Still here?  Ok, well, I'm sure you've guessed that I'm not pregnant, again.  But there is so much more to tell, because I am certain that I was, even though I didn't get a positive pregnancy test.  Here's why. From 10 to 13 days after the IUI I had the symptoms...metallic taste in my mouth, needing to wee all the time, tingling and expanding breasts (when I was expecting Star I went up 2 cup sizes in the first 8 weeks), a slight rounding of my lower abdomen and a feeling of heaviness (I have a BMI of 19, so if there is anything going on there is nowhere to hide, and again I had the same with Star at about 5 weeks) and last but not least I had no premenstrual breakout.  I told myself not to get too carried away after what happened last time, and not to test until 18 days post IUI (when I tested for Star) as anything could happen.  And of course, I was right to think that because 14d.p.iui all the symptoms I had been experiencing stopped, and my body returned to 'normal' until yesterday when we started back at day 1.  And more confirmation that I was pregnant, as it's not 'normal', much more loss than usual, and tiny clots (sorry, tmi).


So there we have it.  And I am once again devastated.  I can't even call it a miscarriage as I never had a positive test.  So I'm sitting here feeling in limbo, not knowing what to think or how to feel, other than utterly dejected and in despair.  I have so many questions, but nobody to ask.  If, at 40, you have two 'miscarriages' in three attempts does this mean that your eggs are shot to pieces and there is no point going on?  Does the fact that they were both very early 'miscarriages' have any significance?  Is it that my eggs are fine, but there is something preventing my body from doing this pregnancy thing again ?  Both times I have been feeling really under the weather with a nasty, and prolonged cold (this time I'm 2 weeks in and no sign of recovery) and I'm normally really healthy and don't get ill.  Is there a connection ?  Is my body so under par that it cannot cope with a pregnancy ?


Then you move onto the wider issues.  Maybe I need to accept that I'm too old, and that I cannot have another.  Maybe it's fate.  Maybe I'm supposed to put all my energy into raising one fantastically special boy.  It's the not knowing that is the problem.  If only I could see into the future and know if it's worth continuing the fight, because that's what it feels like, a fight against my tired, weary, ageing body.  It's not like it's a straightforward process to continue.  It takes over your life, and no matter how hard you try you just can't focus on anything else.  It's expensive, and we could spend that money on something much more pleasurable. It's inconvenient, having to plan your life around cycle days, and trips to clinics.  And of course, it's bloody painful.  I would willing go through all of this for as long as it takes if I knew that at the end of it I would have a sibling for Star.  He deserves it.  But the thought of continuing only to fail...


I feel that everywhere I turn there is a reminder, pregnant women everywhere, on the tv, on twitter, in real life.  My one local 'mummy' friend, or perhaps more an acquaintance is expecting her second baby in July.  She is in her late 30's and exactly the same number of weeks that I would have been had I not miscarried the first time.  I have 'texted' and 'facebooked' my hearty congratulations but I don't want to see her.  It's not a problem yet as we only saw each other about once every three or four months but at the very least I will have to go and visit after she has the baby.  The issue I have is that I know I'm starting to feel bitter and I don't like myself for that.  I look at all these pregnant women and feel that it's so unfair because I do everything 'right'.  I don't drink alcohol, I don't have caffeine, I eat organic wholefoods, I take supplements, I drink/cook/bathe in filtered water, I'm not overweight...so why me?

So here we are, day 2, and what to do ?  Tomorrow I need to start the drugs, but it all seems so pointless at the moment.  I could have a break, but tick tock tick tock...that's not going to help my chances.  So, I guess I'll just carry on regardless, hoping that all I need is one good egg.  In the meantime, I'll try and hold it all together, try not to think about it all, try not to cry more than a couple of times a day, and try to 'keep calm and carry on'.

Keep Calm and Carry On...on Groundhog Day

My Special Valentines Memory

Valentines day 2008 is one valentines day that I'll never forget.


In 2008 business was booming and The Daddy and I found ourselves in the very privileged position of being able to indulge ourselves.  In fact 2007/8 was a period full of what dreams are made of.  But, as you will know from previous blog posts, life is not all about what you have and where you go.


In October 2007 we started down the assisted conception road, and it was agreed that we would have three attempts at IUI, before the clinic felt we should consider IVF.  Not being desperate to have children I was thinking that IVF was a step too far for me so in all likelihood our three IUI's would be our only chance .  Our first cycle went to plan, with a single dominant follicle maturing nicely, but was unsuccessful.  Ditto the second.  On our third and final attempt, things did not go quite so smoothly.  At the first scan, I had one dominant follicle, at the second scan it appeared to be maturing, but at the third scan it had receded and another follicle had stated to grow.  This follicle reached maturity and on 3rd Feb 2008 we had the IUI, only one day later than previously. I was convinced that it couldn't possibly work.  The follice that matured was a 'last gasp' because the first one failed, and it didn't mature over the usual timescales.  I put babies, and pregnancies out of my mind and decided that we would have to seriously consider our options at some later date.


On Valentines day we were in for a special treat.  We had booked ourselves into Le Manoir Aux Qaut'saisons for the night, and would be enjoying the ten course tasting menu in the two Michelin starred restaurant.  It's an amazing place, with fantastic grounds, and an extensive kitchen garden in which they grow much of the produce they use.  It is all so beautiful that I cannot do it justice with the blunt tool that is my descriptive writing, but below are photos of both the hotel and our room (which even had a log burner in it!)

Needless to say the food is exquisite.   As I clearly wasn't pregnant, I decided to make the most of the meal, and drink the wines which the sommelier selects to go with each course.  That's alot of wine.  I had also had a G&T on arrival at the hotel, and a glass of champagne before dinner.  On returning to our fabulous room, I felt, rather 'squify' shall we say, but it had been a truly memorable evening.  The food, wine, service, setting and company had all been first class. 


The next day, we were collected and taken to Heathrow to catch our Virgin Upper Class flight to Dubai, where I spent five glorious days.  Again I had a glass or two of wine with dinner each night, as my self imposed 'teetotaldom' that had lasted the preceeding 20 months was now over.   


We arrived home, which was day 31 of my cycle, when I was under orders from the clinic to do the obligatory test. I knew it was a waste of a test, but I did it anyway, and as I'm sure is obvious to you, got the shock of my life.  The first thing I thought was...OMG all that alcohol!  The rest, as they say, is history.

My Special Valentines Memory

Goal #4 update

Hopefully if I put something related to goal #4 in the title of these kind of posts anyone sick of hearing about our pursuit of baby No 2 can pass on by without frustration or annoyance.  So, you have been warned...


A quick update then on where we are. I've been for three scans this week, and yesterday had a follicle measuring 18.8mm which means it's ripe and ready.  So at 1.30 this morning (I'm sooo tired)  I injected myself with something akin to lutenising hormone.  The clinic specifiy the time so that ovulation occurs at a precise time to coincide with when you are having the IUI procedure.  I am booked in for 11.30 tomorrow with hubbie required at 10am.  


I may be being overly optimistic but I have a really good feeling about this month.  I am feeling positive, fit and healthy, the follicle looks really good, and as for the timing, the last, and only, time we had an IUI treatment on day 15 of my cycle (which it will be tomorrow) was when Star was conceived.  And that was also on a Sunday...so it's all good !

  

Goal #4 update

Do you believe in the power of positive thought or prayer ?

If you do, I am about to ask for your help, but first I will explain why.


As my regular readers will know The Daddy and I are currently embarking on our first post miscarriage attempt to get pregnant, using IUI.  For anyone not familiar with the story so far you can find it here and here.  When we originally began this journey, back in 2006, I bought a book called 'Stay Fertile Longer' by Mary Kittel which I would highly recommend to anyone planning to have a baby.  It is a mine of fantastic information, including this:-


Researchers at The Columbia University conducted a randomised double blind study involving 200 infertile couples undergoing IVF and/or ICSI at a Korean hospital.  All the women took the same medication, all had three eggs fertilised with their partners sperm, and all had the three embryos implanted.  What neither the patients, nor their doctors knew was that half of them (randomly selected) were also being prayed for by people on the other side of the world.  The volunteers were from the US, Australia and Canada and did not know the patients they were praying for.


The results were unbelievable.  The pregnancy rate for the control group was 26%, but the rate for the 'prayed for' group was almost double, at 50 %.  


Dr Michael R Mantell,  assistant clinical professor in the dept of psychiatry at the University of California and a clinical psychologist specialising in helping infertile couples said 'I'm impressed, but not at all surprised, by the results of the prayer study.  After treating infertile couples for more than 20 years, I've found that it's not unusual when the reason for not conceiving - or the solution - is on a more spiritual and psychological level than what hard science can explain'


If hard science can't explain it, I'm damn sure I can't but I do believe that there is ALOT that hard science can't explain that works.  And I'd like to give this a try, with your help.


Here's what you can do...

• Think positive thoughts for us, and/or
• Pray for us and/or
• Visualise our perfect, healthy newborn baby later this year and/or
• Whenever Geriatric Mummy pops up, in your blog comments, in your reader, in twitter over the coming days and months send us some good vibes

In addition I would like to ask you to retweet this post if you are on twitter or tell any open minded people you know that may be interested in helping.  The worst that can happen is that reading this post may help someone else trying to conceive, but maybe, just maybe it can help us.

Thank you so much for reading. 

Do you believe in the power of positive thought or prayer ?

Cheesed off - Rant alert

I am not  a happy bunny today.  Not sure why but think it has something to do with this:-

• Snow.  Fed up with not being able to go about my normal business. Fed up with my routine being disrupted and getting nothing done. Fed up with the enforced loss of momentum on new year goals. 

• Baby making.  Went for first follicle track this morning.  It went fine, but the process is now not clear and requires me to liaise between scanning people and clinic on an almost daily basis.  Not only is this aggravation that I could do without, it is also hassle due to the clinic being very poor at anything admin related.  I have thus far put off phoning them but have to do it today :(

• Star Teething.  I feel really guilty about even suggesting that this could be contributing to my fed upness.  He is cutting two molars and has dry, red cheeks, an endlessly runny nose, three 'very loose' nappies a day that he tries his best to put his hand in whilst I am trying to clear up the debris, and a very sore bum that makes him cry when I wipe it :(  I feel so sorry for the poor little mite.  He's been like this for about 3 days now and do you know, he hasn't got whingy, he hasn't gone off of his food, and he hasn't stopped sleeping 12 hrs a night.  He's such a brave little soldier bless him, but I hate to see him in any kind of discomfort and know that he must be suffering. In the meantime I am constantly running around wiping his nose, applying cream to his cheeks and battling through nappy changes.  Surely, if he can put up with it all without getting fed up, I can ?

I must go in a mo and phone the clinic, but in the meantime a request for advice.  If you are a regular reader you will know that one of my new year goals (which I haven't even finished posting and we are nearly in the middle of Jan - Bah) was to learn to sew.  Step one was to retrieve my sewing machine form the shed.  I have done this but I fear that by the time I buy the missing foot pedal and cables, and the elecricity cable, and get it serviced it would be cheaper to but a new, or reconditioned one.  

So, my question is what features should I look for ?  I don't want to spend alot of money but I do want one that will serve me well whilst learning and beyond ?  I look forward to hearing your suggestions.

In the meantime, you know what I've gotta do...

Cheesed off - Rant alert

New Year Resolution #4 - The Big One

Well, here it is, the big one.  The all encompassing obsession that will persist until I succeed.  The goal that will in all likelihood cause massive stress and emotional upheaval, for who knows how long ?


4.  Have another baby


I have posted before about my pursuit of this aim here so won't duplicate other than to say that getting pregnant is not a straightforward process for us.  Here is a quick run down of what is involved...

• Take drugs days 2 -6 of cycle
• Go to clinic for internal scans every other day from day 9 of cycle until day before ovulation
• Inject self with ovulation inducing hormone at 1am
• Go to clinic on day of ovulation for DH to 'produce a sample', wait while it is 'prepared' and then endure the IUI procedure which feels like a smear test gone wrong. (If anyone is unsure what IUI is all about see here )

Whilst trying to conceive Star I also did extensive research into what else can be done to maximise the chances of not only getting pregnant but also to have a healthy, full term baby.  Before you read this list and decide that it is all unnecessary and over the top I should explain.  We have been very successful so far, getting pregnant twice in four attempts which is significantly better than general success rates which are usually quoted as somewhere between 10 and 20%.  When you consider that most IUI patients are younger than me that makes our success rate even more impressive.  So, you will understand why I am so committed to these extra measures...

• Take supplements as 'prescribed' following hair analysis.  I will do another post on this at some time as it is a very big subject and so very important.
• Eat organic food and avoid convenience foods and anything 'nutritionally void' as far as possible.
• Use chemical free toiletries
• Don't drink alcohol
• Have a monthly reflexology treatment
• Listen to the Innertalk fertilty CD.  This sounds of the sea but has subliminal messages about fertility.  I became pregnant both months that I listened to it.  
• Drink, cook with and bathe in filtered water.  Don't worry we have a whole house filter on the mains!
• Do daily positive visualisations.

I know to many of you these things will probably sound wacky in the extreme but I feel that I can't afford to leave a single stone unturned.  I don't know which of these is most important or significant (although I have my theories) so I don't pick and choose but do them all religiously.

So there we have it.  We have already started this particular journey as I am taking the drugs and will be going for my first scan on Mon 11th Jan.  I don't know yet how much I will be blogging about this, it may help manage the stress, but equally not posting about it may take my mind off of it, and whilst it is monumental to me I also know that it's just another blog post amongst thousands and don't want to push my readers away so we'll have to see how it goes.  In the meantime please think positive thoughts and keep everything crossed for us...for me, for The Daddy, and most of all for Star x

New Year Resolution #4 - The Big One

I am not pregnant...

I can't quite believe that I am posting about this.  After laying awake thinking about it last night the only way I could get back to sleep was to think through what my blog post would say.  So I've taken that as a sign that I need to do this for my sanity and hope that it will be somehow cathartic.

To start making sense of the title I should explain that I was pregnant.  Not very, only six weeks, but I definitely was pregnant.  And then, after a visit to A&E and two nights in hospital, I wasn't.  In fact I had only been kind of pregnant for the preceding two weeks.  During my hospital stay I was scanned and a 'pregnancy sac' and 'yolk sac' was found which is what you would to expect to see at four weeks, not six.  I should have had a little bean, but I didn't.

Now I know that as a miscarriage goes, to have it happen so early is relatively non traumatic.  But I am finding it quite difficult, and this has been surprising to me as I'm normally a pretty tough, unemotional, resilient soul.  On analysis, which I am too good at, there are reasons for this that I will now endeavour to explain.

If you didn't already know I am 40 and I have one perfect son, my little Star who is 13 months old.  Star did not come to us easily.  We started trying to conceive when I was 36, immediately following our wedding (I know, old fashioned !) but when nothing was happening we had tests only to be told we were both perfectly formed in the reproductive department.  By the time I was 38, still nothing, so we started down the 'assisted conception' route.  Thankfully we were given three goes at IUI and on our last attempt...bingo!  I stressed badly until the private eight week scan showed a heartbeat, I stressed badly until we were past the twelve week high risk period, I stressed badly until the downs syndrome scan and blood test the results of which almost destroyed me (our risk was 1:160) but  I couldn't take the chance of an amnio induced miscarriage, so I stressed some more until the anomoly scan told us all was well.

Somehow I made it to the end and Star was born by elective c section which was fantastic, as was he.  I always knew however that I didn't want Star to be an only child.  As with all parents I'm sure, I have only ever wanted the very best for him.  In my book one of the very best of life's good things is to have a sibling to share your  childhood with.  Someone to play with, someone to talk to, a companion.  Someone to teach you how to get along with people...the most valuable of life's lessons.  I felt so strongly about this that it was a condition of having Star...that we would have another.  Of course, now that he's here I couldn't imagine not having him, but before he was conceived I would have preferred to remain childless than to have an only child.


So, just before Star's first birthday back to the clinic we went.  Thankfully after some tests they agreed that I was still reproductively young enough to have another three goes at IUI before moving on to IVF (which I desperately don't want to have to do - far too invasive for a holistic person like me) and bingo once again, it worked.  I was pregnant on our first attempt.  My overwhelming reaction was one of relief.  Thank goodness, a sibling for Star.  Thank goodness, no more IUI treatments,  Thanks goodness, no IVF.  Thank goodness, I'm just 40...not 41, 42, 43, 44...  And as, despite my stressing, my pregnancy with Star had passed, pretty much, without event and he was such a prefect outcome, I relaxed.  I didn't worry.  My body had done all this before and coped, dare I say even did a good job.  So this time I would enjoy my pregnancy and not worry...


I did just this...until I was six weeks.  I did it so well that I met the fate of my pregnancy with disbelief and shock.  I couldn't believe it.  Things like this don't happen to me.  I'm healthy.  I don't drink alcohol...ever.  I don't smoke.  I don't drink coffee.  I eat organic food.  I take supplements....I'm too old.  It's not going to work for us this time.  Poor Star.  I've let him down.  I've failed him.  I've failed him.  I've failed him...


My eyes are welling up just writing this but I can't seem to get it out of my head.  I know it will take time but I haven't got time.  We'll be back to the clinic in January to start it all again, and I must be in a calm, confident, positive frame of mind but I'm finding it so hard....

I am not pregnant...