I'm Back...Now Where To Start...

After three and a half months of abstaining from all things of a blogging/tweeting nature I am delighted to say I'm back :D Before I launch into a brief synopsis of what's been going on in my world in this time I feel I should begin with a little explanation.


In the early part of this year I felt myself slipping into a darker and darker place.  Having a history of depression I knew that this was not something that I could allow to happen.  I was finding that every time I sat down to write a blog post I was wanting to talk exclusively about how miserable I was feeling, how much I wasn't enjoying motherhood, how desperate I was feeling to escape it all.  I knew that my beloved readers don't read blogs to be depressed and dragged down and I knew I was in grave danger of doing just this and driving them all away.  And anyway, what do I have to be miserable about ?  I'm healthy, I have a glorious son, a wonderful husband, no money worries.  I feared that people reading all my woes would be thinking just this.  What's more, I was also becoming aware that I was using blogs and twitter to withdraw further from the real world as it was a less painful place to inhabit...escapism.  So, I decided to withdraw from my online world totally, go cold turkey, and force myself to re engage with my real life, and in particular with my son.  I'm pleased to say that whilst it was a struggle, and not an instantaneous solution it did work. I now feel strong enough to dip my toe back in... and here I am.


So, what's been going on?  I'll get the bad stuff out of the way first.  My dad has continued to deteriorate rapidly to the point where, in my opinion, he now needs full time care.  He has recently been into a residential home for two weeks respite care, but is now back at home with my mum who struggles on.  His stay in respite did demonstrate one thing, which was that he is now so poorly that he really needs a nursing home as a residential home is not sufficiently staffed to cope with his needs.  He turned 64 in April.


Wonderful husband and I have had a lovely few months.  We went to Marrakech in April for 5 days, we went to Le Manoir aux Quat' Saisons for 2 nights in June to celebrate his 40th birthday, we went to The Waterside Inn for dinner (also for his 40th birthday celebrations) and we've been to the Amalfi Coast in Italy for a week in June.  All without Star, who was holidaying in Devon with my family and having a fabulous time.  I really have been living the high life and it's been wonderful.  Oh, and the sun has been shining ALOT which is almost better that all of it :D


If you were thinking that the news couldn't get any better I've got to tell you that you are mistaken as I've saved the best till last.  Today I am 12 weeks and 1 day pregnant :D  Earlier today we went up to Harley Street for a super duper 12 week scan with the famous, god like Professor Stuart Campbell.  At my ripe old age we walked into the room with a Down's risk of 1:64...scary, but after the prof had measured and monitored just about everything we came out with a risk of 1:1124, sufficiently low that we don't feel the need to risk an amnio.  Oh, and did I mention...IT'S A BOY!  I am SO happy as I desperately wanted another boy as Star has been an absolute angel and my main reason for wanting another baby is for a sibling, and playmate for him.  I think that a same sex sibling is just perfect for this and look forward to many years of cricket, football and rugby in the garden.


Well, apologies for such a long post but there was alot to say.  I will do further posts with more details on all of the above as I know it was a bit of a whistle stop tour but wanted to give you all the headlines.


So until next time...keep smiling :D

I'm Back...Now Where To Start...

The Gallery - Outside My Front Door

I decided to take this literally so here are two photos, the first outside my front door, the second outside my front gate....

So, firstly, hands up, we are a pair of petrol heads here at geriatric towers.  I know it's not pc, but in my defence we don't do a high mileage in these cars (we have a golf for that), and the 4x4 is a necessity for a baby and two weimeraners...an estate car doesn't cut it I'm afraid.  Enough of the excuses, we love them.  The 'little sporty number' belongs to The Daddy and is his pride and joy.  The Tank is mine, all 5 litres and V10's of it and I love it.  It's luxurious to drive, feels very safe and secure, but is a wolf in sheep's clothing when you put your foot down.  Fan-bloody-tastic it is :D  I can't tell you much about the Daddy's car as I've only driven it once round the block, and to tell you the truth I prefer mine.  I also don't like the thought of the assumptions some people make about people that drive cars like these.  We have been very fortunate to have had some very lucrative years of late, and we enjoy the spoils that it has afforded us.  It doesn't mean that we are any different in our attitudes and values, and as you all well know we have problems in our lives just like anyone else...

This is our front bank, and you can probably just make out some daffodils starting to flower.  You may also be able to make out that they seem to be more dense at the far end.  This makes me smile every time I see them.  Unusual for me with my OCD tendancies, but there is a reason for this.  These bulbs were planted by my lovely Dad just over two years ago.  It was before he had been diagnosed with early onset dementia.  But this is the evidence that his decline had already started.  As someone, like me, with perfectionistic tendancies, he would typically have made sure the bulbs were perfectly distributed across the length of the bank.  However his organisational skills were already letting him down, and what you see here was the result.  You may think it odd that to see it makes me smile, but it's the fact that it's a lasting memory, every spring, of my Dad being his old helpful self.  Always capable, always willing.  It was probably the last 'helpful'  thing he was able to do for me, so I am grateful to him, and smile in appreciation of his efforts... 


This post was written in response to Tara's Gallery prompt 'What's outside your front door?' Why not hop along to Sticky Fingers and take a look at the other entries?

The Gallery - Outside My Front Door

Writing Workshop - Introducing Dr, no Mr Star

This weeks writing workshop prompt #3 is 'what do you secretly dream of your children doing?' which is something very close to my heart.  It is no secret what I dream of my Star doing.  Anyone that knows me will know the answer in an instant.  I have thought long and hard about it and will do everything in my power to ensure he has the opportunity and self belief to achieve what is currently my, but hopefully eventually his, dream.


But before I tell you what it is,if you haven't guessed already, I'm going to explain my rationale.  I want my son to have a financially secure future.  Other than poor health I can think of nothing more stressful.  I want him to do a job of which he can be immensely proud.  I want him to do a job that is of real value to society.  I want him to do a job that will enhance his self esteem.  If he does a job that enables him to achieve all these things, I believe this alone puts him well on the way to finding happiness.  I would like Star to become a doctor.  Not any old doctor though, a consultant.


It ticks the financial box, particularly if he does private work a couple of days a week.  He is highly unlikely to ever be unemployed or at risk of redundancy.  And what can give you a better feeling than doing all you can to improve someone's health or quality of life ?


I've even given a little thought as to which field would be best to go into, currently favouring anaesthetics, or even palliative care if he could cope with that emotionally.  There's no responsibility or pressure to actually provide a cure in these areas, again less stressful.  I've no doubt though that if he ends up here, he will find his own calling.


And Star may only be 17mths old but I have already started the master plan to open the doors to enable him to achieve this.  Both his parents have good brains so he should have inherited the required academic capacity.  He already loves books which are by far his favourite past time and the key to the door of academic achievement. But academic achievement alone is not enough to get you into medical college.  You also need to be able to demonstrate that you have shown leadership, shown commitment to a task, shown an ability and a commitment to work in a caring environment.  We're talking volunteer work, playing an instrument and playing for a sports team over a number of years.  All before the age of 18.  And all of which makes for a well balanced, happy, healthy child.  But as important as all of that is The Daddy and I have a major role in opening his eyes to this possibility and showing him that it is a goal that is both achievable and rewarding on so many levels.


Of course, he may decide that medicine is not for him, and that is OK.  As long as he has chosen not to do it, and not bypassed it through a lack of thought or opportunity.  And the worst case scenario is that by the age of 18 his CV will be such that he gets into the university of his choice or gets the job of his dreams.  And my work will be done.


Do you ever wonder what career you would have chosen if only you had known it was an option available to you ?

Writing Workshop - Introducing Dr, no Mr Star

The Gallery - Me

A once beautiful thing, full of life and vitality...

...now tired, weak, dejected.

The only question is will the passing of time bring renewed vigour and a blossoming future ?

The Gallery - Me

Things That Have Made Me Happy This Month

Despite my frequently miserable state of mind I do have a lot to be grateful for.  Really, loads.  So I thought I would share some of things that have made me happy over the last month.  In no particular order...

• Star FINALLY decided to walk.  He has been able to walk for months I'm certain but has not been brave enough to go it alone.  I have found this immensely frustrating as he is not only a big lad for his age, and I have a bad shoulder from carrying him around for too long,  but his lack of bravery is not a quality I am able to admire.  I know I should find it endearing but I don't...I will not have a woosy son!  Anyhoo, he did it.  The funny thing was that I had taken him to get his feet measured as he has been in the same shoes since November.  On measuring his feet the shop assistant explained that he only had, at best, a few weeks room left.  She enquired whether he was walking to which I replied that he was 'on the cusp'  but had been at this stage for months.  He was already in the biggest size of 'cruiser' shoes,  and 'walker' shoes would make it harder for him, so we decided to wait a few weeks.  At this stage he was busy walking around the shop holding my sisters hand.  Before turning to her next customer the shop assistant looked at Star and said 'he looks like he's ready to go' and with that he walked the length of the shop.  This video clip was taken on my Blackberry as he walked back down the other side.  As I know you will all appreciate it was a very proud moment...

• I had a wonderful Mothers Day, thanks to my wonderful husband.  He saw to it that I received three cards, one from him thanking me for being a lovely mummy to our son (really?) one from my boys of the furry variety, and one from Star.  I also received a lovely bouquet of flowers and tickets to see the Strictly Come Dancing Professionals Tour (I'm a huge Strictly fan if you weren't aware).  But probably the best part of mothers day for me was that The Daddy largely took care of Star, and encouraged me to put my feet up whilst bringing endless mugs of tea and food.  Bliss.

• Said wonderful husband won a prize at work of two VIP tickets and overnight accommodation at a UK sporting event of our choice.  As massive cricket fans we decided to opt for a one day international at Lords against Pakistan in September.  We get to have lunch in the captains lounge, hosted by an ex England captain, and a number of ex England players will be joining us, together with a signed programme by all the sky sports commentators and some kind of keepsake.  I am soooo excited I can't tell you.  Watching a day of international cricket is by far and away the best day out imaginable for me, but this...at Lords...wooohooo!

• Tomorrow I am having a day at Nirvana Spa.  The Daddy gave my best friend and I a day spa voucher for xmas, and has taken some time off work to look after Star.  I will be handing Star over at 10am and need to be back for 5.30pm so the Daddy can work.  During that time I will be doing...absolutely nothing.  Except maybe eating lunch and drinking tea, oh and lots of chatting and putting the world to rights.  If I'm feeling very energetic I may even manage a length or two of the pool...

• The sunshine is also making me happy this month.  We have had a fair few sunny days, and all the daffodil and crocus bulbs on our front bank that my dear Dad planted for us a couple of years ago have started flowering. It looks so pretty...picture postcard pretty. 

• My Secret Post Club gift arrived and was truly amazing.  So much thought had clearly gone into it, and as it was from a blogger previously unknown to me she must have done a  lot of research.  Each gift was individually wrapped and there was a hand written card, explaining the significance of each one.  To go into detail on it all would make this already too long post even longer but suffice to say it included a book, things for the kitchen, decorative things, edible things, and holistic things..all of which I love.  So a big shout out and THANK YOU to Dales Lass who blogs at Tales From The Dales and tweets as Pendlewitch.  It really does make your day to receive a surprise gift, especially one that hits the spot in so many ways...

• Last but not least I received an email from Intense Debate today saying that they had released the fix on the comments issue I had been having. So leave me a comment and we'll see if it has worked ;o)

Things That Have Made Me Happy This Month